To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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