come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
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