I think I am morally bankrupt
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
A+ Viking dick
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
