Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
