someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
Is it bad that everytime I read or hear "Woo Hoo" I immediately think of sex because of The Sims?
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
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