i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize
