she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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