omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
why do cheetos always look like penises
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
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