Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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