You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
