Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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