forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Randomize
