Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
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