I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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