Best friends brother. Beat that.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Randomize
