I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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