I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
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You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
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Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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