no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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