I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
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He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
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I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
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