had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Randomize
