Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
