I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
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