I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
