I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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