I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
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