Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Randomize
