so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
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We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
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The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
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