His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
