Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx