Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
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I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
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Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.