what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
We smell like vodka and hangover
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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