i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
soo... how was my night?
Randomize
