Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
Randomize
