I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
