he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
