I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
