I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
