I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
