my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
