Can i not drive my cunt home
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
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