Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Randomize
