He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
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