She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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