I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
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