Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
