Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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