Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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