you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Randomize
