Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
