she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
