Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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