hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
no you cant smoke seaweed
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
