How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Randomize
