Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
