im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Randomize
