you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
