It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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