Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
