Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Randomize
