theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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