I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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