You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Randomize
